How John Carter could have been saved

John Carter. How much didn’t I want to love you?

I watched it in the biggest theatre of my city, the one that is reserved for premier weeks, blockbusters and movies for children. This was the fifth night it was running and the theatre was shockingly empty, reminding me of the deserted restaurants I had seen in Athens in the weekend.

In Greece it was lack of money that kept people from going. Here there were other forces at play. Not many people in Sweden have ever heard of John Carter. And like elsewhere, the reviews have been less than favourable.

But here we were – a handful of enthusiasts who didn’t care. I had had enough of criticism and ridicule.

What did they know anyway? What did they expect? Pulp fiction from a hundred years ago is supposed to be a little bit corny, more imaginative than believable! That’s what makes it so charming. Those people were bashing on John Carter out of ignorance. They probably just didn’t understand. At least that’s what I told myself.

It was time for a reversed backlash for this movie. The tide was going to turn and I was going to stand in the frontline and make it happen.

My heart reached out to the director Andrew Stanton. After listening to two interviews with him, it stood clear to me that he was a true fan, a friend of John Carter’s. He was the geek who talked Disney into doing this. It was a dream coming true. He had spent his childhood making drawings inspired by the book series. Andrew Stanton wasn’t a clueless and greedy schmuck looking for stealing our money; he was one of us. A geek. Or at least that was what his answers in the interviews had led me to believe.

I went to see John Carter with the best possible intentions, a smile on my face, convinced that I was going to see something that all those critics didn’t see; that they were just ignorant and snobbish. I had read and loved the books in my youth. I had seen the light. And now I was going to bring it to the world.

I wanted to love John Carter, but I failed miserably.

The problems
I’m a little bit reluctant to talk about the problems with it, because so many others have done it already. But I guess I should give a few reasons for why I couldn’t take it to my heart.

One major issue is the script, which reminded me a bit of the adaptation of Tintin last year. It’s messy to say the least. There isn’t much of a story to engage in; apart from the parts that take place on Earth, it’s basically a bunch of battle scenes loosely glued together. And for all the action, it’s strangely boring. I caught myself several times being on the verge of falling asleep.

But the biggest problem isn’t the script. It’s the 3D.

When there is an option between 3D and normal, I always go for the normal format. This means that I’ve watched very few movies in 3D. In the case of John Carter there were no options. I had to watch it with glasses or not at all.

I was completely shocked at how bad the 3D was. Is this how it looks? Really?

I always imagined the idea was to make the movie feel more real and believable, but this was exactly the opposite.  The 3D made people look like old-fashioned paper dolls acting in front of a screen in the background.  It looked just as terrible and unrealistic as an inside shot from a car in a movie from the 60s. And it didn’t get better by the subtitles, huge rows of letters that hovered in the air in front of everything.

This made me quite worried, thinking about that the movie I’m looking forward to most this year, The Hobbit, will be shot in 3D. Please, please, tell me there are different 3Ds! If The Hobbit is going to look anything like this, it will break my heart.

There’s a lot more to say about the treatment they’ve given the source material. While the books obviously are dated, I find the efforts to update them quite misguided. I don’t think it’s a good idea to put a sword in the hands of Dejah Thoris to make her appear more like a modern woman. She isn’t anyway. She’s was always there to be desired, admired and rescued from various villains. And I don’t think it’s a good idea to bring in those aliens who look as if they’ve escaped from a Star Trek recording and to let John Carter do his space travelling with devices instead of with thought power. I’m a huge Star Trek fan but it just doesn’t fit.

90 years too late
I could go on and on but what’s the point of rubbing salt into the wounds?

I think John Carter was made about 90 years too late. But since time travelling isn’t possible, I have another idea.

Imagine if the makers of this movie accidentally had bumped into the makers of The Artist. Imagine if they’d gotten into a conversation and something had clicked.

“We think people are in the mood for nostalgia so we’re making a silent film.”

“We’re on the nostalgic line as well, so we’re making a movie about an action hero from a hundred years ago.”

“Hm.”

“Hm.”

“Why don’t we make a joint effort?”

“Yeah, why don’t we?”

John Carter in black and white, John Carter as a silent film. Wouldn’t that have been quite something?

John Carter (Andrew Stanton, US 2012) My rating: 2/5